This my second christmas in England. During the first one I cowardly ran away from my own happiness. This time I stayed, waiting for it to come back home to me…
I’m happy for everyone having a lovely christmas with their loved ones.
Still I’m sad because I’m alone…
It’s my fault…
It is always my fault for being such a weak and stupid person.
I’m sorry everyone
I’m sorry Sessy. I’m not sure if you still come across my blog sometimes but I will say this again in a message. I’m sorry for being such an ungrateful friend of yours.
I’m sorry Eszter for ignoring you because I made myself feel hurt again.
And I’m sorry Honey for being such a bad, dishonest girlfriend of yours.
I’m sorry everyone
But today I made a promise – not just to you Honey – to myself that I will become a better person. It is really the time for it now.
humans are really disgusting creatures.. including myself…
Back home, I’ve never liked old worn out people approaching us on the roads, knocking on the window of the car asking for some spare change. I didn’t even look at them which I know is bad but I hated the fact they got here because of today’s society.
You can say that it might not be true, I can’t be sure that something bad happened to them maybe they were the bad ones. But even if they were the bad ones again it’s today’s society behind it.
There’s always a reason why someone becomes “bad”. And usually it is because today living is really hard, complicated. That’s why people makes such big mistakes and became homeless.
And I hate this.
Even after I moved to England I still don’t like it. But now when I make my own money and spend it the way I want to I feel mainly sorry for these people. For the ones with disabilities.
It’s just not their fault… That’s why I started to help these people.
20p is nothing for me. Buying them a hot drink during wintertime when they are sitting on the streets all day… Still nothing for me. Nothing what hurts. Whatsover, it makes me feels warm although I am not the one drinking the hot coffee in the cold weather. It feels so good to help someone when there are so many people suffering out there because of the society, because of us.
We are the one who makes our own life harder.
MSS stands for Multiple Sclerosis Society. The other I went to St. Albans to get some groceries. Saturday. Big market all along St. Peter’s Street. But that they among all the people checking out the staff it was full with volunteers for MSS.
I didn’t have a lot money that time so I just walked past all of them without looking their smiling face and small boxes they were holding for donations.
And it hurt me. I don’t even now why but it hurt me that I am one of the other people who don’t give a damn about those who needs help.
That’s why I changed my mind and on my way back I stopped by an older man and put all of my change from pocket into his box. He was smiling more and said many thanks. I only got his words and small orange stick with the words “MSS” and its meaning. And of course the warm feeling in my whole body.
I know it’s not just me. Everyone feels this warmness when they help. A lot of people just never experienced it that’s why they just walk past.
Everyone should know this feeling.. Everyone should help the others.. Maybe we don’t know them but we or someone we know might become one of someday. And then who will help us, them…?
It’s always hard to let go the one you love. Even if you know that he will come back just in a few days – which is usually just flies by without noticing it.
But when it comes to the moment when you have to let him go you just can’t.
You can’t say the words what’s been in your mind since the day you knew he will leave.
You can’t hug him the way you wanted – the way you can be sure he knows how much you will miss him.
You can’t kiss him with enough love to prepare for days he won’t be with you – you won’t be with him.
It’s just… Hard.
Even harder when you go home and find the place empty. He’s stuff is still there but it doesn’t matter because he is not there. It feels empty.
And in the end when he suddenly appears for ten seconds to give you the key and a quick kiss all you can do is just to stare at him without a word then at the door for another ten minutes what he closed behind him as he left. Really left.
It’s just hard.
Fuckin’ hard.
It’s nearly been a year since a started to live my life here.. and so far a week ago I thought the end is already here.
But seems like not yet.
Never make plans – destiny will ruin everything.
I had my plans as well. I will work here first, do whatever I have to do to get money then after a year I’m going to start studying – and continue on with a part-time job.
Bullshit – excuse me.
Maybe this plan would have been possible if I wouldn’t have to cross path with him.
I remember the day when both of us agreed – yes there is a reason why we had to meet and so on.
There is. I believe in this. And I thought I had found it out already. I thought that his “mission” was to open my eyes fully also to close my heart properly.
No chance – as he’d say.
Yes, he opens my eyes more although I thought there are opened already but seems like not enough. No, not enough. you always got something to learn – even before you die.
I’ve learned a lot since I came here. I learned from this country still there are too many things left behind the scenes; I learned more about people, like the one who’s close to you will stab deeper into your heart.
I learned that when you think something’s over that’s just a new beginning.
Yes, maybe something was over a week ago and something new started. I new period, maybe a new chance.
I thought I got my life into my hands at the day when I moved in. But no. Not even at the day when I got my new place. I have to take it now and not tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. Because if I don’t do it these people will tear me apart with all of my efforts I’ve made lately.
“Time after time
Day after day
As suddenly as you came
The more your memory will remain.
I hate to say goodbye
But you flew away like a butterfly
So many time I reach after you
Farther and farther, I don’t wanna loose you.
Can’t you see how much you mean to me?
You always say I’m blind, who I want to be?
Just ask it one more time while looking at me
Look deep into my eyes, look at my soul and you’ll see.
This is just an other day
We argue again and you wanna leave
But I can’t let you go, never ever
Because I need you like you need me.. or whatever.
You do your best and I do mine as well
You are right, maybe I’m blind so I need your help
Tomorrow when you wake up just look at me a bit longer
A bit more, a bit deeper and you will discover my soul.
I don’t want to hurt you, never ever
If I let you go, would it be better?
I’m not selfish when I grab your hand and make you stay
I like you, I’m sorry but this is me, day by day..”
After a looooong time, I’m back. I don’t exactly know why i started this blog thought. I’ve lost somewhere during these months.
I’m not even sure I really want to continue to share my feelings here.
But.
I can share experience. Because I officially moved to London. And I can say that I love livin’ here.
At the moment I’m renting a room. I was lucky with it because although it’s a double room it’s only cost 300/month (a price of a double room is higher, around 350 or more). The place is also nice, the neighborhood is quiet, peaceful – perfect. There are a lot of shops around me and the place where I work is just half an hour far on foot.
Perfect.
Other prices.
I came with a few hundred of pounds so the start was easy. Also I got my job after a week so perfect again.
Shopping. Maybe you can say that things are a bit more expensive then in Hungary for example.
But.
It’s only expensive if you count it on huf (as we are comparing to Hungary). If you work here and live from that money, the prices are reasonable – i think.
A good thing at the malls is that there are a lot of take-away food which you just in to the micro for x minutes and you can eat it. It’s good if you can’t cook or you just don’t have time to do it. The price of the ingredients are also good, everything is fresh.
Other good thing is that you can pay with card everywhere. In small shops too – but there are also cash machines where you can take some cash if it’s needed. I love it personally.
Environment. I don’t know it’s just for me or for everybody but the air is so clean. There’s a highway about ten minutes but it’s like it it more farther.
People. They are lovely. Seriously. The first thing is they are polite. The thing I really love (compared to Hungary again) is that on your way to somewhere, when somebody is coming towards you – i mean wanna go past you – he/she will bypass you and won’t behave like “if you don’t step farther I’ll go over you adgldfgkj”. Noooo. You move a bit farther he/she also moves a bit farther. OMG heaven. Really. This is/was one of things I hate there. And in other situations they are also kind and helpful.
Continue later –
`내 사랑은 새빨간 rose
지금은 아름답겠지만
날카로운 가시로 널 아프게 할걸
내 사랑은 새빨간 rose
그래 난 향기롭겠지만
가까이 할수록 널 다치게 할걸
그런 가벼운 눈빛으로 날 쳐다보지 말아줘요
함부로 사랑을 쉽게 얘기하지마
내 맘을 갖고 싶다면 내 아픔도 가져야 해요
언젠가 반드시 가시에 찔릴 테니까
날 너무 믿지마
넌 날 아직 잘 몰라
So just run away run away
I said ooh ooh ooh
날 사랑하지마
넌 날 아직 잘 몰라
I said run away just run away
다가오지마
내 사랑은 새빨간 rose
지금은 아름답겠지만
날카로운 가시로 널 아프게 할걸
내 사랑은 새빨간 rose
그래 난 향기롭겠지만
가까이 할수록 널 다치게 할걸
자신감에 찬 니 모습이
내 눈엔 그저 안쓰러워
날 향한 씩씩한 발걸음이
오늘따라 초라해 보여
감정 사치야 내겐
사랑 집착의 Best friend
So run away just run away
Cuz you and I must come to an end
Every rose has its thorn
Every rose has its thorn
Every rose has its thorn
날 너무 믿지마
넌 날 아직 잘 몰라
So just run away run away
I said ooh ooh ooh
날 사랑하지마
넌 날 아직 잘 몰라
I said run away just run away
다가오지마
내 사랑은 새빨간 rose
지금은 아름답겠지만
날카로운 가시로 널 아프게 할걸
내 사랑은 새빨간 rose
그래 난 향기롭겠지만
가까이 할수록 널 다치게 할걸…`
Soo my first day here just officially ended! Woaahh~ Nothing interested happened.
My plane was late for 40 mins, poor Jimmy was soo worried and called everybody who from he could get some information about my flight.. but he failed because nobody answered the phone. But i arrived safely~ i moved in, adjusted to the flat which is a bit small for 5 person but it’s really cosy. So i like it ^ ^
We went to a nearby park bit weather is a bit chilly so we came back soon. I’ll buy my return ticket tomorrow and maybe meet one of Judie’s friend. I don’t know what will come with tomorrow. But i feel like i can relax a bit here.
You were right. It feels like now i won’t go back.. but i will
夢 - 希望 
